Q: Can I catch genital herpes from surfing tomlombardi.org? A: No. Q: What do I think of gun control? A: You think it'd be great if we could develop a program wherein new gun owners would get shot upon purchasing a gun, and then, in this freshly wounded state, fill out the necessary paperwork. Upon completing the forms, they'd get miraculously healed—or, were they to expire, brought back to life. At this point they'd decide if the gun was worthwhile. Of course . . . if we invented a way to resurrect the dead we'd have other problems. Now that we're on the subject, you're with the camp who believes Tupac somehow figured it out. Q: Is it true I was a recipient of the New York City Department of Transpiration's prestigious Parallel Parking Award when I lived in Brooklyn? A: You won that shit two years in a row without even owning a car, which, you think, speaks volumes of your parking skills. Last year, unfortunately, you were beat out by Lance Armstrong. Q: If I find myself fellating a man in the men's room of a bus station, does that make me a homosexual? A: Yes. Q: If I think of my college roommate while my boyfriend performs cunnilingus on me, does that make me a lesbian? A: Possibly. Regardless, you should inform your boyfriend of your deviant thoughts. Q: What is Hemore up to? A: As we speak, Hemore's working at a shoe store, slipping a pump onto an older blonde woman's foot, trying not to give too much regard for the pantyhose lining her otherwise naked shins. Q: How many metaphors will I find featured in MY SUMMER ON EARTH? A: 983. Q: Any of those mixed? A: The fuck you just say? Q: When will I die? A: You are the sole being on this earth who will transcend death. You're too busy worrying, however, over your cell phone bill, your bad cholesterol, good cholesterol, your Netflix Queue, your boss's opinions, and so on, to realize it. Q: Am I a lover? A: Only when your horny. Q: What do I think is wrong with this world? A: It has much too time on its hands. Q: Do I prefer Hillary or Obama? A: You want to get the scientists involved, and figure out a way to meld the two. Hobama '08. This new hybrid will blow the Republican candidate out of the water. Q: Am I regular? A: When things are going well, sure. Q: What's the most difficult job I've ever had? A: Anything involving a boss. Q: What am I best at? A: Questioning.

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